Woo!  Cody McCullar and I back in the studio at last!  This episode was chock full of funny, ranging from toddlers being found double fisting two mike’s hard lemonades, to rape prevention underpants!  Enjoy!

 

Episode 53 The Dennis Williams Show

 

beer baby

Today it was just me by my lonesome…boo.  Still had a fun time, although I really like someone else on the show to bounce ideas off of.  Talked about a lot of random shit today including;  macking on your GF while watching SVU, how tough it would be to re-populate the earth as the last man and woman alive and a really stupid man who posted pics of himself with lots of money while he was 3 years behind on child support payments.  Enjoy!

Episode 52 – The Dennis Williams Show

 

adam and eve

Wonderful show today!  It was a special 2 hour show chock full of awesomeness!  The first hour was myself, talking about my childhood dog Skippy, making fun of the Catholic Church and their inability to choose a new pope and playing songs from local Portland band, All The Apparatus.  In the 2nd hour, the stars of Funemployment Radio, Sarah Dylan and Greg Nibler came in and we had an amazing time!  From talking about the Portland Trailblazers, to Soccer bandwagon fans, to discussing gay bars and gay strippers we came with the funny and knocked it out of the park!  I had a great time and can’t wait to have them back on the show sometime in the future.  Enjoy!

 

Episode 51 “The Dennis Williams Show” with special guests Sarah Dylan and Greg Nibler

 

funemployment

Frickin’ awesome show!  Jacob and I started off by talking about my wang.  We then flowed seamlessly into talk of Wall St.  booms and Gov’t sequestering, by flowing seamlessly I actually mean awkwardly with many accompanying fart noises.  I think the best part of this show was when we looked up President Barack Obama’s vital stats and then postulated on whether either of us could best him in fisticuffs.  The show got a little weird towards the end when we talked about transgender equality legislation for high schools but that topic isn’t really all skittles and sunbeams so deal with it.  Enjoy!

 

rec_(03_05_2013)_0

 

obamaboxing

Wonderful show today!  Jacob is one funny freckled mutha f&%#@er!  We talked about many things today, such as Comedy, vomiting on people to keep them from raping you, North Korea, diamond heists and one particularly funny and gramatically aqward craigslist ad.  Listen to it NOW!

Episode 49 “The Dennis Williams Show” with special guest Jakob Christopher

 

north-korea-is-best-korea

Today was a great show!  I don’t have time to post much about it since I have to be at work in 15 minutes so JUST LISTEN TO IT NOW!!!

rec_(02_12_2013)_0

funnyjapanese

Wonderful show today!  Hit great topics such as women now finally being “officially” allowed in combat roles in the US Armed Forces, Jerrod Jefferies (Portland Trailblazer) doing a comedy open mic and signing a piece of paper that told my co-host to “Go fuck yourself,” a new study showing that cute little kitty cats kill more species than humans, construction and pollution combined and of course…making fun of juggalos!  Listen, love it and write back to my e-mail with questions, comments or death threats.  All will be read on the next show!

“The Dennis Williams Show” Episode 47

 

cateagle

Holy shit that was a funny show today!  So happy Cody McCullar got sick, was able to stay home from work and join me on the show today.  We talked about a variety of things today like how shitty toddlers can be, how equally shitty kittens can be, OKCupid and Craigslist personals posts and how dumb they can sound, upcoming shows featuring myself and Cody McCullar and we finish off with a good round of Juggalobook.com.  If you listen to any Dennis Williams Show this month, listen to this one!

rec_(01_22_2013)_0

 

kidsareassholes

Fun show today!  I had the beautiful and talented Amy Faust on the show talking to me about some of the finer points of “Fan Fiction.”  Talked some about Gun Control and then segued seamlessly into a story about a monkey addicted to human pornography.  Then moved to a gripping story of a Caiman (alligator’s thin nosed cousin) that was guarding a pot stash.  Finished off with a long awaited visit to Juggalobook.com.  Enjoy the show!

 

“The Dennis Williams Show” Episode 45

 

dirtymonkey

Woot!  New episode is up!  This episode starts out serious with my take on Gun Control, then gets funny with my gym addiction and hate of resolutionists.  I then talk about my high fiber diet (gross).  Finish it off with many nice things about my geeky GF and Goblin Cards in MTG (Magic the Gathering for you non-nerdy types.)  As always, I do some craigslist follies before I leave.  Kept it gangsta today with Dead Prez as the featured musical artist.  Enjoy.

The Dennis Williams Show Episode 44

funnygoblin

Wonderful episode today with traveling headliner and hometown hero Tyler Boeh!  Talked about many things from best and worst gigs, slot machine names, Thunder Cats, GI Joe’s non-rhyming theme song and of course, a special Craigslist post from yours truly.  Hope you enjoy the show!

gi joe

This episode was a little more serious than normal.  I’m personally a little angry about all the “End of the World” nonsense.  I talked about NASA dealing with with dumb people, necrophiliac “boning,” Honey Boo Boo cast member being in porn and of course, my wacky craigslist posts.  Enjoy.

 

endofworld

Well folks, I’m back again with a new show!  Just me today, talking to myself, playing a little ska and hip-hop.  I discuss going to the gym, ska shows, politics, weird news and of course craigslist posts.  Enjoy!

Associated Press released a video on youtube about a young boy getting decapitated by a rollercoaster.  The video contained an awesome CGI animated video of the roller coaster in action.  All I could think of while I watched was, “Man, I wanna ride that roller coaster!”

I hate the midwest.  Only one Black History Month but every other month is Truck Month.

Yo baby so fat you gotta get stroller wheels at Les Schuab.

When I’m in a water balloon fight I take the opportunity to pee myself.  You rarely ever get a chance to do this around other people and not get caught.

Here’s a fun image:  20 body builders kicking over sandcastles on the beach.

Phrase I want to coin:  It’s like kissing God on the mouth.

Four roads that I drove by on my way to a gig (they were all in a row):  Poverty Rd.  Emigrant Rd.  Kill Rd.  Deadman pass

Sad fratboy does a Cry Five (sob)

So I took my date on a tour of the Shanghai Tunnels.  Nothing like slave trade, opium dens, murder and indentured hookers kept in 4′ by 3′ by 3′ boxes to impress your sweety.

Adidas Track Suit = Weekend Guido Tuxedo

I never thought I would say this to anyone but, Kid Rock, I liked you better with the high fade and parachute pants.

Don’t get me wrong, I think pomegranates taste amazing.  They are an excellent source of anti-oxidants.  Mixing pomegranate juice in alcoholic cocktails is a great way to impress someone you invited in for drinks.  There are many great things about this fruit.

However, they super difficult to eat.

Let me rephrase that:  They are super easy to eat as long as you don’t mind being a red-stained, sticky mess surrounded by seeds and rind when you are through.

Me as a kid eating a pomegranate:  Oops, I got red stains on my TMNT shirt.  Oh well.  (continue sloppy pom eating)
Me as an adult eating a pomegranate:  I got a red stain on my TMNT shirt!?!  God %$#& Mother %$#%$# Bull%$#!!!  This day is ruined!

Advertising slogans for Pomegranates:

1.  Pomegranates, a mouthful of seeds in every bite!

2.  Pomegranates, don’t wear white!

3.  Pomegranates, I’ll have some extra napkins please.

4.  Pomegranates, expensive and hard to eat.  Wahoo!

5.  Pomegranates, finish the whole thing pussy, that one fruit cost you 5 bucks!

6.  A pomegranate a day keeps the dry cleaner paid.

When you are eating one pomegranate and realizing what a chore it has become, imagine 10 apples laughing at you.

I will eat a pomegranate, if it is a sunny warm day, I am shirtless on a grassy hillside, wearing maroon trunks and have a hose nearby to wash myself off afterward.

I think I would derive much more joy from pomegranates if their juicy, red, pulp-surrounded seeds could be utilized in some form of modified paintball gun.  Unfortunately, they might actually be more expensive than paintball ammo.

Am I being too hard on pomegranates?  Maybe, but they are one of the most disappointing fruits in existence.

I have bought a pomegranate as an adult before, thinking to myself, “Oh awesome!  I remember loving these things!  I can’t wait to get home and eat it while I watch Dexter!”
I get home and put the fruit on my counter.
“Now how did mom open these things again?”
I decide to just slice it in half with a knife.
“Oh god!  These are juicier than I remember.  Okay, now I’ll just put these two empty halves into a bowl and grab a towel.  Better wipe up this mess.  Oh crap, the red stain isn’t coming out of the counter!  Man, that sucks.  Oh well, pomegranate and Dexter!”
I sit down with bowl of pom and towel.
I grab remote and get red on it.
“Ugh, man, this red juice is no joke.”
After half an hour of spiting seeds I have successfully eaten half of it and my face, hands, towel, couch, shirt and remote are a red stained mess.
After eating half of it, it doesn’t even taste good anymore.
I don’t want to quit eating it though, I’ve sacrificed too much already.  Like spraining your ankle halfway through a marathon you trained all year for, you’re gonna limp the rest of it out.
By the time you finish the other half of the accursed fruit, the inside of your mouth feels like citric acid soaked sandpaper and you’re halfway through a crappy episode of “Homeland.”
You think in your head, “I should have gotten a bag of mandarins instead,” as you throw your shirt away and hop in the shower.

I will probably forget this rant and eat a pomegranate again at some point.  It’s a mistake that is very easy to make again.  Like a wasabi eating contest with your friends.

That title about sums it up.

Wow!  That episode was pretty explicit!  Started off talking about drag queens with downs syndrome and sex with the disabled.  Then transitioned smoothly into sex with olympic athletes.  Also did a quiz on Jugallobook.  Enjoy.

 

 

Today was a great show!  Talked about Independence day, illegal and legal fireworks, Obamacare, unpatriotic tweets and of course a little stroll through the ol’ Jugallobook.  Enjoy!

Wonderful episode today!  Talked about the Supreme Court passing Obamacare, a crazy man from Oregon in an Elmo Costume, crazy diets of Olympic athletes, what exactly are Bath Salts, and a very unsettling craigslist post to finish it off.  Enjoy!

 

Well, awesome episode today.  Cody and I started off the show with great vagina insults and compliments, then proceeded to talk politics pretty poorly.  We also talked about obese people taking up all the worlds supplies, Louisiana sex offender law requiring them to list their criminal status on facebook, Bible stuff, another Florida zombie-ish attack and of course, a wacky craigslist post from yours truely.  Enjoy!

 

Wonderful show today!  We talked about racism, zombies, Octo-mom’s cavernous vag and the wide angle lens cameras that had to tape it for her first porno, Swedes trying to legislate men sitting to pee, 3 minute pizza made in a “human free” environment and of course Jugallobook.com.  Listen, laugh, fart, cry, cringe, figget, twitch and do whatever else it is you do while listening to my voice.

 

I’m wondering if I will actually get any responses on this one.  I just figured with all the bath-salts, zombie talk going around that this would entertain a few folks.  Enjoy.

 

Title of craigslist post:  Zombie seeks lady who likes dead weight and has no sense of smell

UUUUuuuuuuhhhhh…uuuUUUUHHHHhhh…BRAAAAAIIIIINNS…

Just kidding! Ha ha, I love doing that to people who have never actually met a zombie before. Yes, I thirst for brains, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have one. It makes me soooo mad when I see actors portray my kind in this manner. We’re not all like that! Sure, I see how it is, a few zombies who as the living died of head injuries come back to life and say “BRRAAAIIIIINNS” and you think we all do that. That’s an unhealthy stereotype that needs to be squashed right now! Me seeing someone do this now, is like me when I was alive seeing someone in black-face. I wasn’t black when I was alive, but I still would’ve been really offended. Now, due to decomposition, I am kinda in black-face all the time.

Anyway, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but a lot of posers out there are trying to pretend that they are zombies. It’s really pissing us real-life zombies off. I’m just going to set the record straight on a few things right now, then I’ll get to the “looking for a nice lady” part of the post.

First off: Bath Salts made you do it?!? Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit! More like, you just watched an episode of “The Walking Dead,” got all jealous of that stereotypical Hollywood zombie swag, wondered what human flesh might taste like and went for it. You probably also own a shake weight, have sent money to 3 exiled Nigerian princes and visit your “Mystic” life coach every week for a $50 tarot card reading. Bath salts didn’t make you crave human flesh. You’re stupid, easily manipulated brain (which I bet tastes awful) made you do it.

Also: I don’t know if you know this, but only a level 9 Necromancer or a Voodoo priestess who really knows her shit can create zombies. You can’t just wake up, shove some new drug in your crack pipe, smoke up and decide “Welp, guess I’m a zombie now.” There’s gotta be cauldrons, pentagrams, creepy old dudes in hoods, sexy black chicks waving dead chickens around and at least some good chanting and spirit fingers before you can get an actual real-lifeless zombie. If I could create more zombies by just biting people, don’t you think I would have an entire entourage by now? That would be an awesome show wouldn’t it “Zombie Entourage.” It would definitely have smarter dialog.

Finally: I don’t know what was up with that dude from Miami, but us real zombies have more class than that. We will at least wear some pants while we eat your face. Eating someone in the nude? That’s just rude.

Now that I’ve said my piece on recent zombie wannabe’s, let’s get to the real meat of this post. I’m a lonely zombie. I’m hungry for a good brain to pick. Not with my teeth, I just need a lady that I can relate with. In life I was an entertainer with a masters in Education. One fateful trip to Europe and one unlucky insult thrown at a druid later, I’m a zombie. He really didn’t appreciate being called Gargamel. What was I supposed to say? He was eating a blue snow cone!!! It was the perfect set up!!

Now I find it tough to relate to women in real life. I say things like “Hey, you’re pretty. Can I buy you a drink?” And they say things like “What is that smell, is that you? Wait what is wrong with your face? Holy Shit! AAAaaahhh!” and run away.

I recently participated in the zombie walk, surprised that there were so many of my kind in Portland. I was excited that I might actually meet a hot zombie lady (those are hard to find, Necromancers always swoop in on those ones first). I was pissed off when I found out it was just normal humans in zombie paint. Jesus Portland, I never realized you could be so bigoted! What’s next? The black guy walk with a bunch of white hipsters ironically in black face? Seriously, stop that shit.
Sorry, I keep getting sidetracked with anger at the lifeist attitude of this city.

To put it in a nut-shell: I’m a nice guy. I’m down to earth. I won’t go to pieces on you (mentally). I’m a cheap date (don’t eat or drink). I’m a great dancer, I made up my own move, I call it Z-walkin’.

That’s it ladies. Reply and be ready for a date with a dead guy that’s more fun than all the “Weekend at Bernie’s” movies combined.

This is not by any means a homophobic rant.  I just thought it would be funny to have a really gay footloose reference.  If you take this as being homophobic, lighten up.

 

craigslist post:  If you were a dude, and I was gay, I would totally gay out with you

Age:  29

Location:  Gaytown U(ass)A

 

You are so frickin’ hot! If I was gay and you were a dude with that same hotness, I would totally gay out with you all day. I would do all sorts of gay stuff to your butt and mouth and vagina…I mean wiener, your wiener cause we’d be gay and like each other’s gay wieners.

We would be the most radical gay couple in the entire city of Gaytown. I would stare at your rockin’ boobs…I mean gay pecs all the time. You would have to say “My face is up here” like 3 times a day, and then we would gay make-out in public. You’d be like, “ooohhh” and I’d be like “aaaahhh” and we’d get gay man saliva all over each other’s face and gross out the straighties in the straight district of Gaytown. That’s right, Gaytown has a straight district. It’s kinda boring and has a lot of sports bars and a Big 5.

We could totally go rollerblading up and down the boardwalk while we held each other’s sweet, firm butt-cheeks. We would annoy some of the more conservative gays of Gaytown but we wouldn’t care. They would say things like, “I know this is Gaytown, but seriously, quit being so gay all the time,” and we’d be like “fuck off you cookie cutter, button down, missionary buttfucking, boring homos,” and then I would put my hand down your neon pink spandex shorts and play with your pussy…I mean gay wiener…yeah, your gay wiener right in front of them while they watched. Then all the other gays would be like, “Yeah, you show them, tug on that gay wiener like you mean it!” Pretty soon we’d have a crowd watching us and cheering us on. Then the conservative gays that run the Gaytown city counsel would call in the gay cops to put a stop to it. But then everyone would start tugging on everyone else’s wieners and it’d be too much for them.

It’d be like that movie “Footloose” but with gay wiener tugging instead of dancing.

Then everyone would carry us away on their shoulders and we would become the new king and queen…I mean king and king…or maybe it would be king and queen…or maybe queen and queen of Gaytown! We would rule them with a rubber fist (bad pun, sorry).

 

 
Anyway………just wanted to tell you that you’re pretty, and we should get coffee sometime.

 

Frickin’ great show today!  Will was hilarious!  We talked about obesity in America, Roseanne Barr announcing her run for president, Obama making a joke about pushups,  juggalobook.com and a very special craigslist personals post.  Listen and enjoy!

Yes, I have been single for about a month now, but I am just now getting back on the proverbial craigslist post wagon (those four words don’t make sense next to each other).  Here’s the first, in what I hope is a long line of creative posts to this wonderful site.

Title:  Cat who thinks he’s people seeks lady who thinks she’s a cat

Age: 3 (that’s in human years, I’m actually 29)

Meow, Rharrrow meow meow hiss.

That was for any house cats who might be reading this over their lovely owners shoulders. Whut up my felines! Hiss hiss meow rawwowowowow!

Anyway, heeeeey ladies. I’m a hyper intelligent Tom cat who has grown weary of my own species. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy the occasional romp behind the local Red Lobster dumpster with the random Molly. No she’s not named Molly, that’s what you call a female cat. Male = Tom. Female = Molly. Other fun cat fact, a group of cats is called a “Clowder.” I know right, who comes up with that shit! Clowder…he he he. I can’t even type it without laughing. Laughing inside that is. Cats can’t laugh. Sigh….

So…oh right, trying to score a date with a human female. Well…here’s the scoop on me. I’m a 3 year old Tom. I haven’t been neutered (if I had I would be called a “Gib” (who decides these names!?)). I am what you would refer to as a tuxedo cat. I have a white belly that matches my paws and a little strip of black under my nose that makes me look like I have a dapper mustache. I have not been de-clawed and can climb trees like a muthafucka.

I currently reside in a house owned by a family of 4. They are however on vacation right now, and I know where the parents keep their good wine, not the crap they bust out when the neighbors visit (just because you bought it at Trader Joe’s doesn’t mean it tastes good).

I am not an indoor cat by any means though. I can come and go as I please and consider myself an avid hunter. I tend to bring home at least one bird a week, which is more than enough to cover rent. I have a litter box, but hardly ever use it (I only go when my family really pisses me off. You have no idea how calming it is to watch someone clean your excrement out of fake sand with a little plastic shovel.) I am the Alpha Tom of my block. All the other cats in my area are pussies (bad cat pun I know, but I couldn’t resist). Hell, I can even beat up most of the dogs (It’s a rich neighborhood with a lot of fuzzy rats on leashes). You should have seen what I did to the Pug from across the street yesterday. It was unavoidable, he looked at me cock-eyed. Come to think of it, I think he looks at everything cock-eyed. Damn-it, now I feel bad for every Pug I’ve beaten up for their cock-eyedness. It’s damn humans and their in-breeding of canines. Dogs weren’t meant to fit in your clutch you dumb rich whores!

Sorry, I get side-tracked easily. Where was I…oh yes. I like having my tummy rubbed, however if you do it while I’m in a bad mood I will bite your hand and do that little kicky thing with my hind legs (I am the king of that kicky thing). I love all seafood except mussels (that crap is not food, it’s something you have to clean off docks and ship hulls.) I will also eat chicken, beef and pork (but not hotdogs, even though it contains all three). I will kill rats but I won’t eat them due to the fact they give me the runs (however, I have been known to binge eat rats when I’m out of my mind on catnip, much like the stoned 20something will mow down on 3am Taco Bell drive through). I consider myself a recreational user of catnip. I’m not an addict, sometimes I just need to spice things up a little. I’ve been known to ruin many a drape while on the stuff.

I’m looking for a mid-twenties human female who owns a large feather tied to a string which is then tied to a stick (I freakin’ love those things). She must have a warm lap and be okay with me crashing on it once and a while. Large sturdy drapes next to your windows are a plus. No dogs…unless it’s small enough for me to beat up. I’m not saying I will, I just need to be the strongest pet in your life. I’m okay with kids, but if your little child-spawn uses my tail to play tug-a-war with my butt, he will get scratched. I like to cuddle, but on my own terms. I will not be okay with forced cuddles, you must wait for me to come to you. I can warm the hell out of some feet while you sleep though. I will wake you up in the morning with my super close stare and cat breath, so be ready for that if I spend the night.

Well, that’s about it. Family is on vacation for a couple weeks so I have free reign of the house. This ad took me 2 hours to type (curse these cute fuzzy paws), but if I find the right lady, it will have been worth it. I have to go now, I got big plans tonight. I’m going to stare into the neighbor kids window and scratch at it till he screams for his mommy like a little bitch. When she comes I will hide. When she leaves I repeat steps one and two over and over until he drops to his knees and begs through his cowardly tears for me to stop. That’ll learn him for using me as a water balloon target. That’s right, kitty got claws.

Wonderful show today!  Talked about the Kool-aid man, GI JOE, Gay Marriage, North Korean Circus Animals and of course…craigslist personals.  Listen and enjoy!

Okay gang, the show today may seem a little harsh at times but that is because Cody and I are ranting about Obesity in America.  The Obesity Epidemic.  The Fat Flu.  We talk about how Cesarean sections can make children more prone to be obese (I was a Cesarean by the way), Michelle Obama’s battle against child obesity (She should tag in Biden, I bet he has a mean hook), some boring statistics that we make fun, and a few weird news stories (spoiler alert, porn star murder sex).  Listen in and enjoy, or download it on iTunes.

The Dennis Williams Show – Episode 32

Woo Yeah!  Hot frickin’ episode today folks!  Punchlines flying all over the place, like flies on a dead cows corpse…but funnier.  Join Jacob, Cody and I for an hour of hilarity in which we discuss, how fast food is actually healthier than sit-down family restaurants, a man who got kicked out of an all you can eat fish fry, Jacob’s shitty liver, and the Mob nicknames quiz!  Listen now and laugh!

Fat Italian Mobster

<<<<This Italian Mobster was actually too fat to be put in Italian jail.  Special shout out on the next show to whoever can come up with the best mafia nick-name for this tubby bitch.

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